Woman to Woman

"Learning to say no"

A lot of women feel like they have to "do it all", regardless of what

may be realistic for them. Do you fall into this category?

Can you just not resist the urge to be involved in everything? Or

have you learned to say no? Have you taken a

step backward and seen positive results?

Share your frustrations or share your advice...

Tell us what you think about the current trend to be all things to all people.

I was so fortunate to be a stay-at-home Mom for a long time. I loved that job. I loved the perks. I worked hard at it and learned to shop very frugally, getting along without a car for some of that time. I sewed a lot, did a lot of needlework. I sewed for other people for a bit of money. The kids and I did a lot of walking with the stroller. We walked to town to pay bills, grab a treat at the donut shop, get a haircut, order something from Sears. It was fun.

For some reason, people think if you "don't work" you have time to do everything. I enjoyed working at church, but sometimes it got to be too much. At one time, I did the children's music on Sunday mornings, played the organ, sang in the choir, sang in duets, trios, quartets, was the missions president, taught an adult SS class with DC, and selected and directed the children's musicals. I was also on the district mission board.

The musicals were important to me, because my kids were young and, though we were a smaller church, I thought they needed that experience. In fact, a lot of what I did was because there was nobody else to do it. I did musicals for about 6-8 years. I can't really remember - it's all kind of a blur! One year we had a children's choir for the Christmas program instead of a musical, and I enlisted the help of several of the other young moms to make choir robes with little red bows for each of the kids. (Those robes have been used for years now as angel costumes - makes me feel kind of good to see all that hard work still being utilized).

It was a lot of work, but the end result was so rewarding that it was kind of like the pain of childbirth - you forget it and go ahead and have another child - or direct another musical!

Selecting the musical, ordering the music, holding try-outs, trying to keep any child's feelings from being hurt, having rehearsals, making the costumes, creating the props - wow, when I think about it now, I get simply exhausted.

There came a time when I can remember feeling like I was on a merry-go-round or a roller coaster - I couldn't figure out how to get off and I was dizzy. I definitely was afflicted with the "should, would, ought syndrome," which one of our special speakers talked about one year. I knew I had it, but didn't know how to get rid of it.

I would not have chosen the method that finally accomplished the "stepping backward" process. Both of my children began to have serious situations in their lives. I had just begun to work full time when these things hit us like a ton of bricks. I had eased back into the work world, working just a few hours a week in the school cafeteria for several years, then substituting in all of the support staff positions in the school district, then a full-time school district job which allowed me to be home when the kids were coming home from school and also have the same vacations. Finally I bit the bullet and went to work at a year-round job which would allow me to help with college expenses.

It was a high price I paid, however. Things fell apart at home. Interestingly, my job became my refuge from the trauma in my life. I had to concentrate on my work so much that I was able to compartmentalize for those 8+ hours, and on the commute. But I soon realized I only had enough energy to do my paid job and the most minimal housework I could get away with.

I could not possibly continue with all of those jobs at church. I had nothing left to give. I remember very specifically hearing from my Lord that it was okay - I could take a break. Others would step up and do the jobs. I discovered that I wasn't irreplaceable! I dropped everything except choir, which nurtured and fed my parched spirit. I also remained on the district board, because those meetings were quarterly and those people were a great support group.

The most amazing thing of all was when someone would ask me to take on another position, I was able to say "no." And I didn't feel guilty. God was letting me relax.

As the years have gone by, I have taken back the mission leadership position. I play the organ one Sunday a month, I sing in the choir and in a mixed quartet. I have learned my limitations. I don't have to do it all. It is great to see younger people step up and take the responsibilities.